Conflict resolution

“A brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.” Proverbs 18:19

Wherever there are people there is a potential for conflict. Conflict resolution can be very difficult, but here are some things that are very helpful.

1. Pray about the conflict and work on processing strong feelings before meeting. The goal of processing is to be able to discuss the issue without being emotionally flooded. Emotional flooding is when our feelings about something overwhelm us and we act out with those feelings driving our actions in ways that work against our efforts towards resolution.
   1. If we are not able to discuss without being emotionally flooded, it’s important to continue to do work on ourselves until we are able to. (Until then, someone coming in to mediate conflict resolution won’t really help)
2. Be clear about your goals. This is important so comments during the discussion don’t cause us to lose sight of those goals. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
   1. One or two goals tend to be manageable. More than that becomes difficult.
   1. Be specific – difficult to achieve general goals.
   1. If possible, let your mediator know your goals beforehand so they can be clear what you hope to accomplish.
3. Be prepared to use Active Listening skills. Here are some examples:
   1. Being fully present with open body posture and neutral facial expression (avoid death glares!)
   1. Listen to understand rather than respond
   1. Paraphrase and reflect back to show understanding and engagement
4. A special note about Listening
   1. Provers 18:13 says, “To answer before listening – that is folly and shame.”
   1. Please don’t cut the other person off – even in your thoughts. If you don’t agree, listen to the end, and try to clarify (“It sounds like you mean this, is that right?”)
5. Do your best to avoid statements that come across as attacking.
   1. “You” statements typically come across as aggressive and can make conflict resolution difficult. Try to frame statements as “When” statements. “When” is the language of experience. “When you said this, I felt this and responded like this.”

• The role of validation
  • Validation is your effort to hear what someone says and look at things from their perspective. It’s an important part of the process because we can often look for validation in conflict and can become very frustrated when we don’t get it.
  • Validation is NOT agreeing with the other person. It’s making a sincere effort to look at things from their perspective and communicate how it makes sense to you when you do that. It doesn’t condone wrong behavior, but it does create empathy that can help resolution efforts.
  • Example: “I don’t agree with you starting to drink again, but it makes sense to me when I think about what your last 3 days were like. Losing your job, having your mom go into the hospital and having your wallet stolen are tough to navigate.”
• Sample conversation cadence. Here is how things will often go
  • One person shares while the other engages in active listening. The sharer will describe their concerns or goals, using “when” language where needed.
  • The listener works to remain engaged and allows the sharer to finish without interrupting.
  • BEFORE responding, the listener will summarize what they heard and ask any clarifying questions.
  • The listener will now become the sharer and respond to the comments. Use validation where appropriate.
  • This cycle will be repeated with the mediator helping to steer the conversation towards stated goals.
• If, during the process, anyone feels they are getting flooded, the priority is reducing emotional levels. We will take a break while that happens.
• Helpful Passages
  • Proverbs 15:1 – A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
  • James 1:19 – My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry
  • Psalm 37:37 – Consider the blameless, observe the upright; a future awaits those who seek peace.
  • Romans 14:19 – Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.